Before Senior Year Gets Going: 5 Conversations to Have With Your Teen About College

The leaves are starting to fall, summer is winding down, and suddenly your rising high school senior is staring down a very different kind of fall.

After more than a decade of counseling teens and families through this season, I’ve seen the same emotions surface again and again: anxiety, stress, procrastination, and sometimes dread.

The good news? A few well-timed conversations now can make a meaningful difference. Here are five to have with your teen this fall.

1. Plan Ahead, Stress Less

Come up with a goal date for submitting applications and an organization system. If you and your child decide that Early Action is the right deadline for you after familiarizing yourself with all of the deadline options on your list, then my favorite goal date is Halloween. For most families, it feels just far enough away that you have ample time to get everything done, while also still being early enough that you can head into Thanksgiving and winter break knowing that all of your applications are behind you. And if Halloween starts to approach and you’ve pivoted with some of your college choices, or simply don’t feel quite ready to hit “submit”... no biggie. Pick a new date that matches your deadlines and feels comfortable for you. As long as every component of the applications are submitted before each college deadline, you will be just fine.  And if you’re a “Type B” person like me, planning your organizational strategy ahead of time is key to getting yourself to the finish line. What that looks like will be different for everyone. There are binder people, shared Google Doc people, and spreadsheet folks. Or, you might be a combination of all three. One of my favorite apps for communicating and organizing is Google Keep. If each family member downloads it, everyone can have access to shared to-do lists and check things off as they go, without even having to speak out loud to one another. And some weeks, that is a beautiful thing.

2. Resisting the Urge to Compare

I am going to say this one out loud for the ones in the back: take an oath, alongside your child, that you will not compare your journey to your friends’. With over 4,000 colleges and universities that exist in our country, this process is designed to lead your child to finding their personal fit. Those conversations are going to come at you fast. Suddenly, “where is Johnny applying to?” will feel like the only question that anyone asks. My advice? have a mantra and a response prepared for these conversations, and try to remember that in a year from now, it won’t matter if your neighbor’s child is headed to an Ivy League school and yours isn’t. It won’t matter if your brother, who has been insisting that your child should skip college, pursue a trade, and come work with him, turns out to be wrong. This is your journey and your journey only. Students who build their college list around where their friends are applying, or, even more complicated, where a boyfriend or girlfriend is applying, can end up feeling disappointed and, worse, confused about whether the choices they made were actually their own. If you aren’t ready to share with people which schools are on your child’s list, have a casual response ready for those dinner party questions such as “oh we’re still narrowing down our list” or “we have plenty of safety, target and reach schools on our list so far, but haven’t quite decided which are at the top yet.” This will usually gently shut down the conversation and people will move onto something else. And my favorite piece of advice? Have a mantra ready. When the questions and unsolicited advice starts coming at you from every direction, come back to “I trust my gut above all else.” 

3. Your Role in the Application Process

Make it clear to your child that they are in the driver’s seat when it comes to this process. You are not responsible for filling out their application, writing their essay, or even emailing admissions counselors if it comes down to that. It will be tempting to fill out that section of the Common App they keep avoiding, but in the long run, all you’re doing is preventing them from developing the skills they’ll need next year. Many of my more hands-off parents will email me every now and then to check in or use me as a go-between to make sure their child is staying on track. That’s completely different from completing the process for them. Your role is to be a strong support system, not to take the wheel. During conferences, I always remind families that the college application process is a team effort. And I mean that. There are parts of the process that the counselor handles, such as writing a letter of recommendation and sending transcripts. There are parts the student is responsible for (most of it, in fact!) And there are parts the parent needs to take care of, such as completing the financial aid forms. When everyone stays in their lane and communicates frequently, the process goes much more smoothly. And, honestly, you wouldn’t believe how proud students feel after they’ve completed the process themselves. One of the best parts of my job is watching students grow and mature from the beginning of this process all the way through to the end. Giving them the space to take ownership is an important part of that growth.

4. Keeping the Peace

One unique aspect of being a school counselor is getting to hear everyone’s side of a situation, especially when things get difficult. When there’s tension at home, it’s not uncommon for me to help a student navigate the situation while also being a sounding board for the parent on the phone (sometimes even on the same day). One overarching theme I see frequently is a struggle to communicate effectively. Understandably, a parent asks their child how their applications are going or whether they’ve finished the fill-in-the-blank task yet. Cue the student getting annoyed because, at that moment, talking about their college applications is the last thing they want to do after a long day at school. And the cycle continues until, eventually, a blowout fight erupts. In my world, this scenario can also be described as “soiling the nest,” a common reaction to the stress that can build up as a child prepares to leave home and begin a new chapter after high school. There’s a lot happening emotionally during this time, and sometimes that stress gets taken out on the people they feel safest with. My biggest piece of advice? Mutually agree on one or two days each week that are designated “college talk” days. And stick to them. Maybe it’s Wednesday evenings. Order a pizza or make tacos if that’s everyone’s favorite. Go out for ice cream when the conversation is over. My point is, try to make it as enjoyable as possible. When everyone in the home knows which day is “college talk” day, there’s less need for parents to bring up applications at every opportunity, and less need for students to brace themselves every time a parent walks into the room. Everyone has a chance to mentally prepare, and students can work on their tasks before that designated day. It may not eliminate every disagreement, but it can go a long way toward keeping the college application process from taking over the entire household.

5. The Joy of Crossing Something Off of Your To-Do List 

I love a handwritten to-do list. There’s something incredibly satisfying about checking even one thing off of it, as the feeling of accomplishment can be surprisingly motivating. And it turns out, there’s some psychology behind why completing a task can feel so good. The Zeigarnik Effect describes our tendency to keep unfinished tasks on our minds more than completed ones. So when we finally finish something that’s been hanging over us, we get a sense of closure, and sometimes, that little bit of momentum is all we need to keep going. Sit down with your child and make a list of two or three things their counselor has indicated could be done early in the process. Then choose just one and get it done. Maybe that means creating a login for their Common App account, jotting down a few college essay ideas, or completing one virtual college tour. Your child may be surprised by how manageable it felt, and by how motivated they are to tackle the next thing. Sometimes, getting started is the hardest part.